Winds of Change

Midway into 2013 and change is definitely underway.  Some changes are small, some personal, and some in a big way.  This is probably the first year that I've taken charge of my New Year's resolution and actually work towards accomplishing that goal.  It's a beautiful feeling really.

"See a need, fill a need" - Robots

Instead of pushing aside or running away from issues, I'm beginning to accept them and find solutions for them.  Obviously I have yet to eradicate all issues from my life.  Haha.  Clearly some are more pressing than others to resolve while some I might not be ready to tackle just yet.  Sometimes we see a different picture than others and I understand how other people might not understand my vision in certain things.  Nonetheless I'm always open to thoughts, inputs and opinions from the people around me.

Recently I had a long (overdue) talk with my brother.  For the longest time I've feared him despite being the eldest sister here.  There were things that should've been addressed a long time ago but I'd kept mum about them and it had taken a toll on myself and our brother-sister relationship.  Sometimes you need that little boost of courage to get the ball rolling.  Sure, he wasn't too happy about the way the talk started earlier that afternoon but sometimes my soft approach isn't always the best way to go.  He didn't understand where I was coming from, shocked mostly at the changes he missed while I "grew up".  Like I've said before, change isn't always easy but more often than not, necessary.

At some point in my life, I had a fire in me.  A passion to live life to the fullest within the bounds of morality instilled in me.  As I grew older, it got lost.  I missed that.  Soon after I became a push over, someone you could take advantage of, trampled.

Sometimes I wonder how my parents did it before, especially my mum.  Adulthood definitely isn't a bed of roses.  There's just a lot of thought and weight that goes into making decisions and attempting to figure out what the right thing to do is. Nothing is black and white or straight forward. Decision and choices we make no longer only affect ourselves. Everything is played at a much larger scale and it's so easy to be overwhelmed. I'm only beginning to get the gist of what my mother had to go through many years ago. And she was right. It is tough.

Difficult Truths and Pushing Through

I have decided that 2013 would be my year of changes and betterment. I don't know if I'll pull it off or if I'd stick to my resolution but it's never to late to make that decision again and try.

Sometimes -- more often than not -- things happen out of our control and it's not even an implication of something we've done or are doing. Sometimes there are just other forces at work that interferes with our goals and future. Although at times we might not know what is going on or happening to us, with faith, God will show us truth and the path we should follow.

2012 was a tough year for me mentally and emotionally. Despite the smile I put on for the world, I felt like I was crumbling inside slowly but surely. I was beginning to fear that maybe, just maybe, I might have been going through a bout of depression. Thinking about it, I felt I am still too young to put myself through such a heavy and draining state of mind. But like all who've gone through a similar situation or phase, when it hits you, the world around you seems bleak. Hope was possibly the only thing holding you together. I was admittedly a complete wreck inside.

I'm thankful to Allah for blessing me with supportive family and friends even through times when I didn't believe in myself and didn't think there was light at the end of my path, I had support. Sometimes it may have felt like it wasn't enough but they were there.

Recently, some things have come to light and although sad, it's just one of those things that is beyond my ability to control. Looking back, everything made more sense and my instincts have been proven right. The only thing that I can do now is to pick myself up, push through and protect my loved ones.

Bottom line, never be afraid to seek help. Sometimes you just can't take on the world on your own.

2013. I'm looking forward to beautiful and exciting things this year. Insya Allah.

Verbal vs Physical, Lesser of 2 Evils?

I find that lately I don't really have much to blog about. Or maybe just too much to blog about I don't know where to begin. I think I've mentioned in a previous post that my life has changed tremendously in the past couple of years and I've had to take on even more responsibilities. Sometimes I wonder if it's something I'm even able to cope with.

Yup, I'm turning 30 this year. Yes, I'm still very much single with no available prospect. And yea, my family is my life. Sometimes to the point that it consumes me or to the point where I hide myself behind the fact, slowly disappearing from the world around me.

As strong as I try to be, sometimes you've just got to break down and cry. Sure, other people's lives isn't easy either. We all have our battles to fight. What if I'm not cut out for mine? Truth be told, I'm tired. As much of a jolly front I try to put up for the world to see, I'm breaking down inside piece by piece. If it were up to me, I don't want to go on.

I feel like my life is a series of mess ups waiting to happen. Eyes on me waiting for me to make the tiniest mistake so I can be lashed out at. Every thing I do is deeply scrutinized and broken apart. Whether it is intentional or out of habit, more often than not I always end up questioning every move I make, every action I take and every decision I make. Somehow, I always find my way to do something wrong.

People look at me and think either I'm lazy or I'm responsible for every detail of everything. I try to do my best as best I know how. More often than not, it's not enough. There's always someone I need to report to or explain myself to. I am never enough.

Although I don't suffer from physical abuse (Alhamdulillah) but physical abuse is just as bad. There are no visible scarring or bruising but emotionally and mentally it tears you apart. A form of slow torture to the soul. It's getting harder and harder for me to put up a smile but I pull through and try to keep it positive. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up. Days go by and I keep feeling like my life has become more useless than the day before. Everyone else's life is much much more important than mine and I always need to help or fix situations.

What I hate most is whenever I explain how I feel, it gets dismissed. Even worst, it gets twisted out of context and people get offended like I'm blaming them for things that happens. Without my mum, I have no one to truly talk to. I have no one who can take my word wholeheartedly and not try to twist it to some delusional sense that is far away from the truth. Every day I live my life in fear of doing the wrong thing. Of saying the wrong words. Of being the reason for someone's anger.

It isn't enough that I've given up my life to be of service and please. I don't even know what living for myself means anymore. Almost all my will have left me. I feel like I've become so broken I'm virtually irrepairable. I distance myself from people because I don't want to spread my negativity. Every time I feel grateful, life throws me back 10 times. Each time it gets harder and harder to get back up. Every time I leave a little chip behind. Soon, I will only be an empty meat suit, a vessel that breathes and talks but holds nothing.

Hopefully my next post can have a little bit more sunshine.

If you read this til the end, thank you.