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Sunday, July 13, 2008

Moments of Loneliness...

You know those times when you're surrounded by a whole bunch of people but yet feel so hollow and lonely inside? Then you start thinking that you're kinda selfish for feeling that way. Sort of being unappreciative of what you have. Well, despite always having put a cheery front practically my whole life, it might be eating me up inside.

I don't like to show the people I love how miserable I feel inside. Of course I don't feel that way all the time. But there are moments when it gets to me. Probably just my own insecurities messing with me. Faking confidence is real easy. At the end of the day it becomes a way of life. Like the air you breathe. But it all boils down to the same thing. It's made up.

Honestly I feel selfish, like I'm letting the people I love down if I join them in their sorrow. Take for example my mum. When she was going through a tough time being diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago I couldn't let myself cry with her. I felt like I had an obligation to be stronger. I just had to. If I'd cry I was afraid that would make my mum even more sad and added to the pain that she was already going through. When I get frustrated with my brother for acting up (for years) I couldn't vent out and I could only cry inside.

I'm just afraid that one of these days I'll blow up. When I've reached my limit. Sometimes in darkness of my room at night, I'd let a few tears slip. I don't like feeling sorry for myself. I've had it good. But lately it's been getting worse what with me struggling with my weight and having my brothers test my patience day in and day out. Sometimes I'd snap at my mum unintentionally when she pushes me incessantly. Then I'd feel bad about it. All this and I haven't even started my own family yet.

Don't get me started on relationships. I don't even know how to start one. I barely go out now. After work, it's home and then the next day I'd wake up and head off to work again. The last time I fell for someone, he figured it was best to just be friends. My 20 year old brother is constantly making fun of me about the prospects of me not having a partner. Sometimes I do wish I had that someone to call up and go out with. Company.

There you go. My moments of loneliness.

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