A Whole Lotta Weekend...

Hello rain that falls from the sky. It seems that you have returned during this cool monsoon season.

Yes, it has been raining practically every single day these days.  When the sun is out, the air is so humid and feels so scorching hot.  Then rain falls and it falls hard.  I love rain.  Believe me I do.  But it doesn't do much for me when I'm out trying to pursue a nice hobby/side project in the daytime at Jesselton Point.  With another 4 hours to go, we had to pack up and wrap up the day because it was raining cats and dogs (not literally) and there was no way we could woe in customers nor could we properly display our items.  The tents were flooded, and all of us grouped up smack in the centre of this 20x20ft tent salvaging our merchandise from getting even more wet.  And we were all hoping for better sales that usually come during the afternoon.

Anyways, I went to the PC Fair today at 1Borneo.  Nothing much that was enticing but I did get my brother's webcam (which we can't get to work and only displays a blank black screen), a USB vacuum and a keyboard and mouse for the home PC since it has been a bit glitchy lately.  I couldn't remember if we had it on a USB or PS/2 connection (how dumb!) and got the USB ones only to find out when I got home that it had PS/2 connections.  Looks like I'll be heading out to get a couple of USB to PS/2 converters.  Maybe I should've just gotten the Logitech one I had initially wanted.  Darn you salesgirl for making me doubt my confidence in having PS/2 keyboard and mouse.  *Ggrrrr*  And there wasn't anyone home for me to ask to check and confirm.

I have a personal target to complete at work this month.  And I'm determined to complete it.  I won't have much time next month finish the task and I'd really like it done by the 1st half of the year.  Wish me luck!

Sometimes I wish I had somewhere else to go home to.  Sometimes I get exhausted just trying to be chirpy ALL THE TIME.  I've always had my mum to balance out my days because whatever problems I face, whatever frustration I have, whatever pressure gets thrown my way, she always knew how to make me feel better.  Sometimes it's just being with her, hearing her voice and seeing her smile and the world becomes a better place and all those bad things just float away.  That was the magic of my mum.  Now I can't find my sunshine.  I can't find my pick me up.  Whenever something comes my way and brightens my day, another storm rains on my parade.  No one can hear my silent screams, my eyes fill with water, my feelings patched with fragile threads.  All they can see is my facade, the me they want to see, the me that is expected of me, the me I am assumed to be and don't even bother to look me in the eyes and see what lies there.

I've been undermined, pushed and shoved emotionally, I feel like I'm crumbling.  I'm always afraid of saying the wrong things at home.  I have to constantly be careful and not speak words that may or may not spark fires.  I have to check on my jokes or puns to make sure it doesn't get misinterpreted and misconstrued.  I'm wrong when I talk, I'm wrong when I'm silent.  Yes people.  My life is NOT perfect.  I'm just an average girl who summons all her energy each day to get through it and find happiness in the little things.  I go places and do things to take my mind away from the parts that sinks my soul until I get reacquainted with them in another bashing episode.  And yes, I get tired.  I think people forget that.  Some people anyway.  Sometimes I'm afraid to take a break.  I fear that things might get bad and I won't be around to tame it down.  Fear, it eats you bit by bit inside until there's none of you left but fear.

Enough of such somber rants.  My weekend was an underaccomplishment (is that even a word?).

Like I've said on my Facebook, Happy Mummy's Day to all.  And to my mummy, the beautiful woman who shines so bright that her absence has made my world so grim, I love and miss you every single day. Happy Mummy's Day mummy. Al-Fatihah.